Six weeks of slow recovery

I sit looking out at the swaying pines, the rippling lake waters, and the cloud laced sky and realize that as harsh as the land is, our little getaway in the northern wilds of Maine is something close to paradise. The beauty is not friendly, or is friendly in that challenging way of "if you can handle me, you can find enjoyment in my company." I know winters here are intense and long, and the beauty of the place is not the soft and comfortable kind we find in the mid-Atlantic piedmont, but the stark and edgy beauty here has a kind of zest for life and drive for being which is appealing.

I have not read as much as I'd planned. I have not written as much as I'd planned. I have not created as much physical art as I'd planned. I have not lost the weight I had planned. I have not recovered as much as I planned, though that is due more to having slipped on the stairs and re-injuring an already recuperating shoulder joint -- possibly enough to warrant therapy, hopefully not surgery. Yet, for all of that, I am mostly content with where I am (save the injured shoulder, which vexes me because it was avoidable and of my own making). Very little, in fact, has gone to plan... but in many ways, it is what I needed and as such is perfect.

If it were practicable... if I could find a rewarding vocation up here, turn our 2 season home (1/2 spring, summer, 1/2 fall) into a 4 season home, and enlarge it to make it comfortable for us to live in year around, I would move here without pause or trepidation. I do not fear the isolation, which is not so isolated as it was 50 years ago, nor do I fear the challenges of climate or the need to restructure our lives to flow the seasons instead of  fairly ignoring them in our present residence. It would not be easy, but I find my mind turning to the possibility distractingly often, and I have done 4 floorplans for a revision or rebuild of the cabin to become a year around home. All dreams, idle for the most part, but compelling none the less.

Next week we return to Pawsville, and responsibilities, and duties, and a world of demands and needs and expectations. I do not dread it as my wife does, but I look toward the inevitability with a pang of regret. It would be such an amazing life here... for five decades or so, not simply the 5+ weeks a year we manage now.

I won't be putting my life on hold for the improbability of making it real... I'm done with existing in a life "paused". Time to get things done and live... even if that life is one of a man older, fatter, and not much wiser. I can still make it a remarkable life... if I pay attention.

Eating for Body, Mind & Soul

So, two full weeks here at the lake and I haven't lost a single pound. I haven't gained, but I haven't lost. In truth, I am only averaging 4000 steps a day (according to my Fitbit) instead of the 10k I'm supposed to be walking, but I am far more active than I was prior to our arrival and I am still dealing with tiring more quickly since the accident. I am also eating too much. Fortunately, I am eating "well", as in food that is high quality, fresh, nutrient rich, and mostly local. I LOVE getting my foods from the local farmer's markets, etc. but I'm enjoying the local cheese options, local pie options, and local fruits far too freely.

Eating is something that should nourish as much of us as possible. Science will decree that for optimal health we should consume XYZ macronutrients in order to achieve optimal health -- preparation, local or non-local, natural or man-made ingredients are all immaterial factors to what is good for you. Science, however, simply doesn't know everything. I have found that foods created by a person, consciously and with intention, is nearly always more satisfying when eaten than equally well prepared industrial foods (Stouffer's, etc.). I have found packaged foods produced in smaller batches (like mircobrew beers), by people who are proud of their products, are more satisfying than their mega-alternatives (Coors, etc.).

Food, however, nourishes more than the body. I have found there are foods which make me clear of thought, happy, or calm. I have also had foods which seemed to stir and infuse my soul with energy and light. This is why we use food to change our moods, as part of spiritual practices, and as part of creative endeavors. It is also why we over eat, or eat what is not good for our bodies... we eat in an attempt to fill a mental, emotional or spiritual void in our lives.

One of my spiritual foods, odd as it seems, is peanut butter and chocolate. I LOVE peanut butter and chocolate, and believe that the dark chocolate peanut butter cup could be a food served in paradise. It has been one of my tacit commitments to find the best peanut butter cups in the world. I have tried so many... and there are some awesome dark chocolate peanut butter cups. Sadly, the makers of these delights are usually focused on either the chocolate or the peanut butter... seldom do they put equal attention to both sides of the equation. There are a few... Justin's is available at many health food stores and Starbucks, but even better are Nectar Nuggets.

Rebooting spiritual and well as physical fitness

So, I came across the works of Christopher Penczak last week while exploring a local book store and was intrigued. I've seldom seen writings, especially on metaphysical topics, which align with how I might approach a topic. Mr. Penczak's Temple series of books approaches the study of magic (from what I have skimmed prior to buying the books) much as I would, and his aligning each book with an element/quarter just makes my elementalist soul very happy.

Do I REALLY need another set of books on metaphysical studies? Well, no. I am an initiated wiccan priest and have been studying/working magic since my late teens. But it would be the height of hubris for me to believe I have nothing left to learn. I expect a lot of this reading/study/practice will be review and revisiting of knowledge I gained a couple decades ago... but I hope from a new and insightful perspective which will give me the opportunity to fill out my knowledge/skills.

From what I can tell, these are each 1 year courses... so to get through all this properly it may take 4 years. We'll see. If a large section of the material is review, it may go faster.

Some day I may actually manage a full lotus! It is a worthy goal!

Regular physical activity doesn't preclude therapy...

The last two weeks I have been fairly active, but I have not been doing my yoga or concentrated therapy on my shoulder/wrist/thumb. I realize, much to my chagrin, that this is the precise trap so many people fall into who end up having only marginal or limited recoveries. It is great that I am being physically active, doing assorted construction tasks, etc. however, though keeping active is always beneficial to health, it does NOT replace therapy and specific practices like yoga, etc.

I have no desire to be caught in that trap. I wish I'd realized I was falling into it earlier, but better now than later. So I have worked on my shoulder and thumb tonight... tomorrow I'll be doing my first yoga since arriving in Maine. I must also do some rehab from a slip I had on the stairs a few days ago... no, I didn't fall down them, but I did have to grab quickly at railing/support and strained my shoulder in the process. Ah well, two steps forward... one step back is still going forward.

I have not lost the weight I would have liked in the last couple weeks. I know part of the problem was the 2 days of travel, sitting on my ass for 22 hours and having to eat what we could find on the way (aka. shit-fast-food). We have been eating well up here, as we always do, but the portions have been a bit larger than they should (the food is just so GOOOOOD). I haven't backtracked, thank the gods, but I haven't progressed either.

This too shall pass. I have added chaga-tea to my daily regimen. This has already begun helping with my aches, and it has also begun to influence my digestion... I hope all the additional removal of toxins/waste materials will start showing tangible (aka, scale/tape measure) results.

Another challenge to studying my progress is that my beloved Tanita scale has finally lost its little digital mind... we have had to replace it with a more modern, sophisticated scale... and as is typical, they don't read exactly the same. I really am not concerned as to whether the 242 or 243 is correct, I just want to have trackable results... so now I have to wait until my weight on the new scale reduces down to what my weight on the old scale was, then I can start tracking progress again -- such a bore.

I also need to get back to my spiritual practices... that will partly be fulfilled through yoga-meditation, and some by my art, but I need my "sacred space" in which to do ritual... that is, as yet, not available because it is being built into our new room. So much to do to bring fullness back to my life... and during all this, I must remember to take time to LIVE, and be AWARE, and APPRECIATE the process.

A physical barrier to progress...

The good news is that my flexibility is returning extremely fast with the practice of daily yoga. For that I am so very grateful... unfortunately, my 7 years of "packing on the pounds" has left me with another obstacle to my goals... a physical obstacle... adipose tissue known as "the gut". My flexibility is to a point that I can stretch, reach, fold further than my excess body tissues can allow. I literally collide with my fat as I reach for my toes or try to do a forward fold.

Still, I must give thanks to my body for recovering and regenerating faster than the doctors thought possible. My family doctor is less surprised and more of the attitude that I am healing the way "everyone should" if people were to take control of their healing instead of expecting to be healed by others (or depending upon medication to do it all). I suppose that's the advantage of having been a personal trainer, a yoga instructor, and a massage therapist in my varied and eccentric past. I am delighted to be able to do warrior poses again, and being able to do modified planks and table and so on.

Ending my relationship with "the gut", or specifically, establishing a healthier relationship with my gut, is not a simple task. It isn't like I can just say "it isn't working out" and abandon the relationship. We are tied together, literally, and have to find a healthy way to exist as one whole entity that loves and honors itself. That means I can't look at my belly with LOATHING and expect to achieve wondrous changes. Hate does not make for healthy self identity. So I have to look at this oversized midsection of mine and realize it is what I made of it... it has served the purpose of protecting and insulating me from the stresses of my chosen lifestyle. I must now find better ways to deal with the challenges in my life so I don't dump all of it on my body.

Yoga is more than asanas... and being healthy is more than a lean body. I've got so much recovery to do... and not just from accident injuries!

Asanas, Isometrics, Weights and Injuries

Taraksvasana

As of Sunday I've upped my physical recovery regime. I now do at least 30 minutes of yoga/isometrics/weights per day, and try to do 2 sessions (morning/evening). Last week I couldn't do more than about 15 minutes before I ran out of steam... now I'm puttering out at 25-30 minutes. That's distinct improvement.

I've added light resistance to some of my moves (10lb weights) to help with the recovery of muscle. I've also begun doing "iron Body Qi Gong" (or a variant there of -- it has been several years since I practiced regularly) to help begin revving up my cell energy and metabolism. It is amazing how quickly I can heat up and sweat doing IBQG.

I lost a good deal of weight a week ago, but last week I didn't lose an ounce. What I did lose was fat off my waist. I remember this particular cycle. My body seems to lose weight and size (fat) in alternating weeks... one to three weeks of weight loss, then a week or two of size reduction without weight loss... then weight loss again. It can be very frustrating and discouraging if I only use one measure of success... that is why I always check weight and waist size, because one is usually improving even when the other is at a stand still.

I presently can't do any thing like the beautiful Taraksvasana asana above. At the peak of my yoga practice I was barely able to manage that pose. I can't even do inversions yet... though I think my left shoulder could manage simple inversion poses, my right wrist is no where close to ready. I am doing yoga stretches and therapy work on my wrist, thumb and shoulder daily... but I'm not so stupid as to think I could just "do it" when just holding a pen to sign my name is a challenge.

My goal is to be able to do Taraksvasana again before I turn 48. I see no reason why I can't manage that... so long as I avoid any further grievous physical injuries in the next 15 months. I don't think I'll aim to look like the model above, however... for one thing he's in is 20s, and that'd be creepy... for another, I've got more muscle than that and want to keep it!

I have an inspirational magnet on my fridge that says "Growing Old Is Not For Sissies." If I manage to follow my grandfather & mother's examples of what 80s-90s should be, I'll still be doing my yoga, hiking, canoeing, and maybe even still riding a motorcycle (probably a trike) when I get there!

One posture at a time

Warrior 1 on the beach, 2005.

Weight loss is important, but lifestyle and comfort and ability are more important. I have returned to daily yoga... only 15-30 minutes a day, and I can't do inversions or positions which stress the wrists or shoulder, but I am DOING yoga. I want to be able to reach and tie my shoes comfortably and easily. I want to go up and down stairs without hip twinges, ankle aches, or heavy breathing. I want to be able to grab a bottle and twist off the cap without gritting my teeth and struggling.

Reverse Warrior on the beach, 2005.

I want to be able to enjoy the strength, vitality and power of my body again. I look at photos of myself a decade ago, effortlessly doing yoga in the waves. No, I wasn't "model body" but there really wasn't anything to complain about. I was strong, energetic, flexible. Yet I thought of myself as "fat". Amazing the power of thoughts to shape our realities... I thought of myself as fat for so long that I finally matched my body to my mental image of myself.

So now I have to use the same magic that brought me here, to take me where I want to be. I am a valuable, strong, healthy person. I will think that, and be that. I will have to have patience, it took a decade to go from a beach body to a beach-ball body... it will take time and effort, physical, mental and emotional, but I can become the person I really want to be!

Blessings and Escapes

Sometimes it takes a true shock to the system to get you to really rethink your life. A month ago I was in a very SERIOUS motorcycle accident. Compound fractured thumb, dislocated shoulder, torn nose, torn up foot, lots of road rash, and as yet undetermined damage to ITB and thigh still hidden under a huge hematoma. I've never been an invalid before, EVER. Even my 2013 encounter with a light-running SUV was not as damaging as this "simple" laydown of my bike in gravel. Being unable to care-for, do-for myself was a nightmare. The experience left me with nightmares, fits of weeping, and a real intimate understanding of my fears.

I'm now on the mend, the orthopedist is amazed at my rate of recovery... says I'm a month ahead of where he thought I'd be. That's great, but I still have months of rehab, therapy and possible surgeries to return me to "fully functional". It is daunting... discouraging... and I can see why and how constant low level pain, with occasional zaps of acute pain, can leave someone unable to cope and unwilling to push ahead. Pain zaps the very energy you use to fight the pain, making it even harder to accomplish things that were once "no problem" to do... no wonder people get addicted to pain killers.

My mutant-healing factor has kicked in, but my body warns me this is the "last freebie" I'm getting. I've neglected, abused, poisoned, and debilitated my body's health and wellness over the last 6 years. I've been told POINT BLANK by my body that I can either do right by it, attend to its needs nutritionally, physically, and spiritually, or it will fail the next time I put it up against an injury or other extreme challenge. I have come to realize I love my body... I do not love what I've done to it, but I love being able to "do", to be able to meet challenges, and to be able to rest and actually feel "comfortable" in my skin. Right now my body can't do... I've done too much damage... not from the accident, but from the years of neglect.

So, since my accident I've been paying close attention to what my body tells me. I'm doing what I can to heal it, not only from my injuries but from my neglect. Yoga, right eating, time for self healing and time for friends and fun... creativity expressed, and love given and received.

Yep, another reboot...

Not this week, but maybe this year! (with padding)

Inspiration and Attitude

after 7 years 245lbs, 46" waist, 30+% bf

Any of my students or colleagues, and even myself when I look in the mirror, have difficulty believing that I used to model, had less than 11% body fat, amazing abs and beautiful musculature. It is even less conceivable, when looking at me today, that I was a personal trainer and a yoga instructor prior to returning to academia. I was always a "moderate-advocate", that is, that I felt it was better to utilize moderate diet and activity changes to allow for habit building, life-styles, than to use extreme diet and exercise programs for short term, rapid changes that were not sustainable. That worked well for me for years, at least until I found myself with a new lifestyle which combined stress with bad eating and disinclination to put more energy out than I already was. Then, from about 2008 until now (2015) I have sporadically attempted to establish healthier habits, but for the most part just let the world batter me about without direction or foundation for my lifestyle. I have, in 7 years, wrapped myself in an additional 20% body fat (50 lbs), stopped doing any regular exercise for my body or spirit, and have felt more and more like a failure... all while obtaining a Masters and then working towards a PhD (eta. 2016).

From Stefan Pinto's twitter feed

For years I have tried to find visual, lifestyle role models to which I can attach "what success looks like." I always try to make certain I pick people my age or older. One present fitness role model is Stefan Pinto (age 43). His attitude is occasionally abrasive, but his advice is usually rational. One such advice/attitude posters of his claims that if you make choices that are against your stated goals, then you really aren't interested in the goals. A few years ago I would have called this "attitudinal bullshit", but today I'm not quite so sure.

Yes, it is harsh, and unsympathetic to all of us who have not managed to find a way to eat healthily and maintain an active life style, but he really isn't wrong. In the end, when I look at my choices over the last 7 years, I realize most of my choices have been for convenience and comfort (aka, comfort foods, sleeping in, etc.) rather than for to improve myself physically, emotionally, or spiritually. My choices HAVE improved my mind over the last 7 years, or at least I believe they have... it would be tragic if I spent so much time and energy on two degrees and not improve my mind. Yet, for all that mental improvement... I realize I am not as spiritually centered, or as physically fit, as I was prior to 2008. This was not the result of AGE, but the result of focusing my energies almost exclusively on my academic goals and not striving to find balance in my life.

Post Yoga Selfie from 2009

What was I doing? I was doing an "extreme" mental development boot-camp for the last 7 years. Yes, you heard the word "extreme" instead of "moderate". Seven years of graduate and doctoral level learning has made me realize that not everything can be achieved through "moderation". There is nothing "moderate" about striving for a PhD. It is more like going to the gym three times a day, seven days a week, two hours at a pop... one session ashtanga yoga, one session crossfit, and one session spinning. You end up wrung out, aching, and at times feeling sick. That has made my thinking faster, deeper, and broader... more robust and vital... but has left my body burned out, exhausted, and craving caffeine and sugar. Definitely an extreme lifestyle. Seven years is the amount of time it takes for the body to recycle all its cells... you are essentially a new you... and I am not happy with the physical health of the "new me."

I can see that to return to what I consider a healthy level of physical fitness (as I had 2008-2009), I won't be able to be "moderate" in my choices of eating or activity.  I will need to choose at least as extreme a physical/spiritual program as I've spend the last seven years on my academic program. I am "all but dissertation" (ABD) in my Phd program, having proven I have the knowledge to write a diss. I can't let up, but I also can't wait around until that is done to start a new 7 year cycle. I need to begin to create a new me today, not tomorrow, not next week, today. That means really choosing between convenience and aspirations. So, what am I doing?

Last week I started working on my spirit, my creative soul, by beginning daily Zentangles. They are helping me to relax and explore my creativity... a meditation through art.

Today I cooked up chicken breast and have made meal packs... something I used to do (back when I had healthier habits). I plan to do pre-bedtime yoga.

Healthier eating, meditation, creativity, and physical exercise... DAILY... it's going to be a challenge, but if I'm going to become physically comparable to the "me" of 7 years ago, I have to get started. 

To paraphrase Mr. Pinto "If you want a healthy body, but you can't stop picking convenient  and comfortable options over healthy & active options, then you really don't want a healthy body, but convenience and comfort." I want my healthy/fit body... so I better be willing to give up a bit of my comfort and convenience to obtain it!