Yoga tells you the truths you try to ignore.

There is nothing like having your body announce, "Yo! Dude! You've got some serious shit you've been ignoring!"

That is what my body's been saying for the past two days as I've returned to the yoga mat. I am bound up from head to toe, which is not surprising considering the level of stress and lack of exercise I've lived with for the past couple years. What I hadn't realized was just how constricted, inflexible, and uncomfortable my pelvis has become.

So, what does that mean? Time for laxatives? In a sense, yes, but more of mental/emotional/spiritual flexibility exercises more than a need for a bowel movement. I've tightened up so badly that it is clear that it is a miracle I can still "manifest" ANYTHING in my life. From personal power, to creativity, to community, my ability to bring about change in the world has been pinched down to near nil.

The rule "as above, so below" applies here, in that the body reflects what is happening on a spiritual level. Fortunately, with mindful practice, yoga can invert that rule and influence what is above by working with what is below... i.e. if I work mindfully to open the physical areas of the chakras, the chakras will be positively influenced.

In truth, I probably need some help with this... an energy practitioner who can work on my chakras and meridians from "above" while I work on them from "below". I am always cautious about doing such things for a couple reasons... first, trust... not only trust of the intentions of the other (allowing myself to open to them) but also trust in the actual skill/ability/experience/wisdom of the other practitioner -- I find the average energy worker to be flakey mc snowflake. UGH! Second, determination... I've dealt with too many people who have used energy work/healing as an excuse not to do the physical work to solve their problems. I don't want to be one of those people who cast spells to lose weight while chowing down on box after box of krispy kremes. I MUST do the work, and I don't want to be lulled into complacency by the euphoria which can accompany powerful energy work.

So, my goal for the next 6 weeks for physical fitness? YOGA! I'm just going to do it morning and night, increasing the intensity and duration as my body/mind recovers/returns to health.

Goals are more than measurements!

Like most everyone, I can obsess with the "numbers". I want to lose X pounds, I want to have a Y waistline, I want to get down to Z body fat. Objective goals are good, they are measurable and give you something both to reach for and something to track your progress by. But in the end, what do those numbers MEAN? Is losing X pounds actually going to make you healthier? Will you be satisfied with a Y waistline? Will you actually like what you see in the mirror at Z body composition? Will the lifestyle you will have to live to reach and maintain these measurements be worth it?

I believe in addition to the objectives of measurements, we need other objectives... accomplishments. These should be something verifiable... something concrete. Walking a mile without hurting knees or aching back. Climb 3 flights of stairs without breathing heavy. Hike a few hours with a daypack of food/water without fear of a knee giving out. Kayak to the store and back on the lake. Be able to do a forward fold and slide your palms under your feet so your toes touch your wrists without bending knees. These are goals which are both verifiable and actually bespeak a quality of life, not only in health but in attitude.

I think it is important to not only set goals of measurement, but goals of activity and lifestyle. Sometimes a goal, especially of activity or lifestyle, involves many more achievements than weight or waist size. That is why one of my goals is to be able to do "one handed peacock" pose by age 50!

One Handed Peacock Pose

A physical barrier to progress...

The good news is that my flexibility is returning extremely fast with the practice of daily yoga. For that I am so very grateful... unfortunately, my 7 years of "packing on the pounds" has left me with another obstacle to my goals... a physical obstacle... adipose tissue known as "the gut". My flexibility is to a point that I can stretch, reach, fold further than my excess body tissues can allow. I literally collide with my fat as I reach for my toes or try to do a forward fold.

Still, I must give thanks to my body for recovering and regenerating faster than the doctors thought possible. My family doctor is less surprised and more of the attitude that I am healing the way "everyone should" if people were to take control of their healing instead of expecting to be healed by others (or depending upon medication to do it all). I suppose that's the advantage of having been a personal trainer, a yoga instructor, and a massage therapist in my varied and eccentric past. I am delighted to be able to do warrior poses again, and being able to do modified planks and table and so on.

Ending my relationship with "the gut", or specifically, establishing a healthier relationship with my gut, is not a simple task. It isn't like I can just say "it isn't working out" and abandon the relationship. We are tied together, literally, and have to find a healthy way to exist as one whole entity that loves and honors itself. That means I can't look at my belly with LOATHING and expect to achieve wondrous changes. Hate does not make for healthy self identity. So I have to look at this oversized midsection of mine and realize it is what I made of it... it has served the purpose of protecting and insulating me from the stresses of my chosen lifestyle. I must now find better ways to deal with the challenges in my life so I don't dump all of it on my body.

Yoga is more than asanas... and being healthy is more than a lean body. I've got so much recovery to do... and not just from accident injuries!

Asanas, Isometrics, Weights and Injuries

Taraksvasana

As of Sunday I've upped my physical recovery regime. I now do at least 30 minutes of yoga/isometrics/weights per day, and try to do 2 sessions (morning/evening). Last week I couldn't do more than about 15 minutes before I ran out of steam... now I'm puttering out at 25-30 minutes. That's distinct improvement.

I've added light resistance to some of my moves (10lb weights) to help with the recovery of muscle. I've also begun doing "iron Body Qi Gong" (or a variant there of -- it has been several years since I practiced regularly) to help begin revving up my cell energy and metabolism. It is amazing how quickly I can heat up and sweat doing IBQG.

I lost a good deal of weight a week ago, but last week I didn't lose an ounce. What I did lose was fat off my waist. I remember this particular cycle. My body seems to lose weight and size (fat) in alternating weeks... one to three weeks of weight loss, then a week or two of size reduction without weight loss... then weight loss again. It can be very frustrating and discouraging if I only use one measure of success... that is why I always check weight and waist size, because one is usually improving even when the other is at a stand still.

I presently can't do any thing like the beautiful Taraksvasana asana above. At the peak of my yoga practice I was barely able to manage that pose. I can't even do inversions yet... though I think my left shoulder could manage simple inversion poses, my right wrist is no where close to ready. I am doing yoga stretches and therapy work on my wrist, thumb and shoulder daily... but I'm not so stupid as to think I could just "do it" when just holding a pen to sign my name is a challenge.

My goal is to be able to do Taraksvasana again before I turn 48. I see no reason why I can't manage that... so long as I avoid any further grievous physical injuries in the next 15 months. I don't think I'll aim to look like the model above, however... for one thing he's in is 20s, and that'd be creepy... for another, I've got more muscle than that and want to keep it!

I have an inspirational magnet on my fridge that says "Growing Old Is Not For Sissies." If I manage to follow my grandfather & mother's examples of what 80s-90s should be, I'll still be doing my yoga, hiking, canoeing, and maybe even still riding a motorcycle (probably a trike) when I get there!

One posture at a time

Warrior 1 on the beach, 2005.

Weight loss is important, but lifestyle and comfort and ability are more important. I have returned to daily yoga... only 15-30 minutes a day, and I can't do inversions or positions which stress the wrists or shoulder, but I am DOING yoga. I want to be able to reach and tie my shoes comfortably and easily. I want to go up and down stairs without hip twinges, ankle aches, or heavy breathing. I want to be able to grab a bottle and twist off the cap without gritting my teeth and struggling.

Reverse Warrior on the beach, 2005.

I want to be able to enjoy the strength, vitality and power of my body again. I look at photos of myself a decade ago, effortlessly doing yoga in the waves. No, I wasn't "model body" but there really wasn't anything to complain about. I was strong, energetic, flexible. Yet I thought of myself as "fat". Amazing the power of thoughts to shape our realities... I thought of myself as fat for so long that I finally matched my body to my mental image of myself.

So now I have to use the same magic that brought me here, to take me where I want to be. I am a valuable, strong, healthy person. I will think that, and be that. I will have to have patience, it took a decade to go from a beach body to a beach-ball body... it will take time and effort, physical, mental and emotional, but I can become the person I really want to be!

Groundhog Day

I feel like I've been in a continual state of "reboot" since my last entry in July 2011. I try to get a control of my schedule, my activities, my eating... struggle with it for a few weeks, or even a couple months, then it all collapses and I go into a cycle of over eating, no exercise, lots of stress. Sound familiar? Yeah, this isn't a very original story is it?

So, July 1st 2012, I am starting yet AGAIN... with a waistline larger than ever (42.5") and weight even higher (224lbs) than I have had in my life. It is depressing, and more than a bit daunting.

So, what am I doing this time?  I am trying to return to yoga -- embrace it as a lifestyle, not just an exercise program. I'm enjoying the challenge of The Ultimate Yogi Program, and hope that if I can make it a habit, by Fall I won't so easily drop it as soon as my schedule fills up.

Try, Try again :)

Progress while in Rehab

So, here's the deal... last night I went down on my scooter. I'm banged, bruised, strained, scraped, and otherwise not in a condition to "push it hard" for the next few days. This is FRUSTRATING (in addition to painful) because I've been making such good (if slow) progress. Another concern is my eating... when one is in pain and being "pampered", comfort food becomes the norm. There is no concern to calories, or food composition beyond whether it tastes good and provides emotional support.

I will not, however, be cast down or allow myself to let this set me back. No, I will not be stupid and go to the gym and "work through it". No, I am neither that "macho" nor that stupid! I shall take this time to do more holistic self-improvement... yoga, qi gung, and meditation. It all works, and should all be used! As soon as the strains are mended and my torn skin out of bandages I will be back in the gym sweating it out and pushing my limits physically -- until then, I shall push myself in more etheric but not less rigorous exercising.