Keeping on track is so F*cking HARD!

I've done really well for the first month of 2016. Sure, I had some snack attack moments and lazy days, but I've had more good days than bad, obviously, and the results are showing. Now comes the hard part... that razors edge between fear I'm going to fail (again) and complacency that I'm doing "so good" (giving me permission to cheat). And then there's the problem of the conflict between my intellectual goals and my emotional goals. Yeah, its complicated.

Intellectually I want to return to being physically healthy and fit. A pretty ambiguous goal, so lets quantify it a bit. I want to shift my body composition to under 16% body fat. I want to reduce my excess body mass so that what weight I do carry about is productive, not a hindrance. I want to strengthen my body such that I support my structure and protect myself from injury... and such that I can do most any activity I want to (from hiking a trail to splitting logs with a maul). I want to reduce my waist size so that I can fit back into 36" waist pants, which will make shopping SO MUCH EASIER! I want to improve muscle tone so that when I wear something that "body hints" (not hugs, or is a 2nd skin) that I move with a physicality that leaves no doubt that though I'm not a "fitness model" I can handle myself and life from a place of strength. I want to lower my cholesterol and my blood pressure to my pre-40s levels.

Emotionally, all that is bullshit. I want to be able to peel of my shirt and turn heads. I want people to look at me and think I'm in my early 30s not late 40s. I want to get those second glances, not because I'm the "pretty boy" I was when I was younger (and though I didn't admit it, I was one of the pretty boys) but because I look like a "hunky man". I don't want to be a kid, I want to be one of those mature guys people look to and say "I want to be like him". I want to look in the mirror and feel like a f*cking boss! I want to be able to break some foul-mouthed shit in half, not that I -would-, but just knowing I could and others believing it is awesome (and I used to exist in that reality). Yeah, I want to look in the mirror and confidently say "I'd do me".

That's pretty pathetic. I am 47 years old and I have the same emotional obsession with being the "hot guy" as I had at 17. I keep telling myself that my intellectual goals are realistic, that they are mature and honest, and for the most part they are. But what's driving me? WHY am I trying to make these changes... no one is DRIVEN by intellectual reasons. Even pure academics push into the unknown not from the intellectual rewards, but from some emotional need that is tied to their intellect, the high of being right, the stubborn need to never give up, whatever... in the end it is our EMOTIONS that drive us, not our intellect. Our intellect gives us the means to achieve, but our emotions provide the fuel/power/force to get us there.

Can a 47 year old guy really accomplish something meaningful fueling it with 17 year old emotions? More importantly, SHOULD HE? I have shaken my head at and criticized friends who kept trying to fuel their lives from some adolescent need... being frozen at some younger time in their lives and always trying to "get back to" that point when they thought their were at their peak. How do I mature my desires without losing the fire of youth? I'm not sure yet... but I suppose that's the whole thing about self improvement & self discovery... its a journey, not a destination...

from www.spiritpond.com

One posture at a time

Warrior 1 on the beach, 2005.

Weight loss is important, but lifestyle and comfort and ability are more important. I have returned to daily yoga... only 15-30 minutes a day, and I can't do inversions or positions which stress the wrists or shoulder, but I am DOING yoga. I want to be able to reach and tie my shoes comfortably and easily. I want to go up and down stairs without hip twinges, ankle aches, or heavy breathing. I want to be able to grab a bottle and twist off the cap without gritting my teeth and struggling.

Reverse Warrior on the beach, 2005.

I want to be able to enjoy the strength, vitality and power of my body again. I look at photos of myself a decade ago, effortlessly doing yoga in the waves. No, I wasn't "model body" but there really wasn't anything to complain about. I was strong, energetic, flexible. Yet I thought of myself as "fat". Amazing the power of thoughts to shape our realities... I thought of myself as fat for so long that I finally matched my body to my mental image of myself.

So now I have to use the same magic that brought me here, to take me where I want to be. I am a valuable, strong, healthy person. I will think that, and be that. I will have to have patience, it took a decade to go from a beach body to a beach-ball body... it will take time and effort, physical, mental and emotional, but I can become the person I really want to be!

Blessings and Escapes

Sometimes it takes a true shock to the system to get you to really rethink your life. A month ago I was in a very SERIOUS motorcycle accident. Compound fractured thumb, dislocated shoulder, torn nose, torn up foot, lots of road rash, and as yet undetermined damage to ITB and thigh still hidden under a huge hematoma. I've never been an invalid before, EVER. Even my 2013 encounter with a light-running SUV was not as damaging as this "simple" laydown of my bike in gravel. Being unable to care-for, do-for myself was a nightmare. The experience left me with nightmares, fits of weeping, and a real intimate understanding of my fears.

I'm now on the mend, the orthopedist is amazed at my rate of recovery... says I'm a month ahead of where he thought I'd be. That's great, but I still have months of rehab, therapy and possible surgeries to return me to "fully functional". It is daunting... discouraging... and I can see why and how constant low level pain, with occasional zaps of acute pain, can leave someone unable to cope and unwilling to push ahead. Pain zaps the very energy you use to fight the pain, making it even harder to accomplish things that were once "no problem" to do... no wonder people get addicted to pain killers.

My mutant-healing factor has kicked in, but my body warns me this is the "last freebie" I'm getting. I've neglected, abused, poisoned, and debilitated my body's health and wellness over the last 6 years. I've been told POINT BLANK by my body that I can either do right by it, attend to its needs nutritionally, physically, and spiritually, or it will fail the next time I put it up against an injury or other extreme challenge. I have come to realize I love my body... I do not love what I've done to it, but I love being able to "do", to be able to meet challenges, and to be able to rest and actually feel "comfortable" in my skin. Right now my body can't do... I've done too much damage... not from the accident, but from the years of neglect.

So, since my accident I've been paying close attention to what my body tells me. I'm doing what I can to heal it, not only from my injuries but from my neglect. Yoga, right eating, time for self healing and time for friends and fun... creativity expressed, and love given and received.

Yep, another reboot...

Not this week, but maybe this year! (with padding)

Inspiration and Attitude

after 7 years 245lbs, 46" waist, 30+% bf

Any of my students or colleagues, and even myself when I look in the mirror, have difficulty believing that I used to model, had less than 11% body fat, amazing abs and beautiful musculature. It is even less conceivable, when looking at me today, that I was a personal trainer and a yoga instructor prior to returning to academia. I was always a "moderate-advocate", that is, that I felt it was better to utilize moderate diet and activity changes to allow for habit building, life-styles, than to use extreme diet and exercise programs for short term, rapid changes that were not sustainable. That worked well for me for years, at least until I found myself with a new lifestyle which combined stress with bad eating and disinclination to put more energy out than I already was. Then, from about 2008 until now (2015) I have sporadically attempted to establish healthier habits, but for the most part just let the world batter me about without direction or foundation for my lifestyle. I have, in 7 years, wrapped myself in an additional 20% body fat (50 lbs), stopped doing any regular exercise for my body or spirit, and have felt more and more like a failure... all while obtaining a Masters and then working towards a PhD (eta. 2016).

From Stefan Pinto's twitter feed

For years I have tried to find visual, lifestyle role models to which I can attach "what success looks like." I always try to make certain I pick people my age or older. One present fitness role model is Stefan Pinto (age 43). His attitude is occasionally abrasive, but his advice is usually rational. One such advice/attitude posters of his claims that if you make choices that are against your stated goals, then you really aren't interested in the goals. A few years ago I would have called this "attitudinal bullshit", but today I'm not quite so sure.

Yes, it is harsh, and unsympathetic to all of us who have not managed to find a way to eat healthily and maintain an active life style, but he really isn't wrong. In the end, when I look at my choices over the last 7 years, I realize most of my choices have been for convenience and comfort (aka, comfort foods, sleeping in, etc.) rather than for to improve myself physically, emotionally, or spiritually. My choices HAVE improved my mind over the last 7 years, or at least I believe they have... it would be tragic if I spent so much time and energy on two degrees and not improve my mind. Yet, for all that mental improvement... I realize I am not as spiritually centered, or as physically fit, as I was prior to 2008. This was not the result of AGE, but the result of focusing my energies almost exclusively on my academic goals and not striving to find balance in my life.

Post Yoga Selfie from 2009

What was I doing? I was doing an "extreme" mental development boot-camp for the last 7 years. Yes, you heard the word "extreme" instead of "moderate". Seven years of graduate and doctoral level learning has made me realize that not everything can be achieved through "moderation". There is nothing "moderate" about striving for a PhD. It is more like going to the gym three times a day, seven days a week, two hours at a pop... one session ashtanga yoga, one session crossfit, and one session spinning. You end up wrung out, aching, and at times feeling sick. That has made my thinking faster, deeper, and broader... more robust and vital... but has left my body burned out, exhausted, and craving caffeine and sugar. Definitely an extreme lifestyle. Seven years is the amount of time it takes for the body to recycle all its cells... you are essentially a new you... and I am not happy with the physical health of the "new me."

I can see that to return to what I consider a healthy level of physical fitness (as I had 2008-2009), I won't be able to be "moderate" in my choices of eating or activity.  I will need to choose at least as extreme a physical/spiritual program as I've spend the last seven years on my academic program. I am "all but dissertation" (ABD) in my Phd program, having proven I have the knowledge to write a diss. I can't let up, but I also can't wait around until that is done to start a new 7 year cycle. I need to begin to create a new me today, not tomorrow, not next week, today. That means really choosing between convenience and aspirations. So, what am I doing?

Last week I started working on my spirit, my creative soul, by beginning daily Zentangles. They are helping me to relax and explore my creativity... a meditation through art.

Today I cooked up chicken breast and have made meal packs... something I used to do (back when I had healthier habits). I plan to do pre-bedtime yoga.

Healthier eating, meditation, creativity, and physical exercise... DAILY... it's going to be a challenge, but if I'm going to become physically comparable to the "me" of 7 years ago, I have to get started. 

To paraphrase Mr. Pinto "If you want a healthy body, but you can't stop picking convenient  and comfortable options over healthy & active options, then you really don't want a healthy body, but convenience and comfort." I want my healthy/fit body... so I better be willing to give up a bit of my comfort and convenience to obtain it!

Upping my Intensity

calories burned after 30 min on elliptical

In my thirties, especially between 30 and 35, I'd been in my prime. Lean, muscular, and active both in the gym and outside of it. Some time between 30 and 40 that came to an end; I ate more out of stress or rushed need than for providing myself something delicious and fulfilling. I'd become dissatisfied with my life, but it wasn't until I gave up my "old life" and returned to school at age 39 that I started taking positive steps to correct this. However, being a college student in his 40s with a family to support did not eleviate my stress or cause me to think more of my physical health... I had to get my education and find a new job.

I did graduate, and I did secure a job (a discussion best left for another post), but I did not do very well on the healthy lifestyle. I spent the first year after graduation struggling with my new vocation, and building community and some semblance of a social life beyond being a university employee. I was not completely remiss during all this... I had my gym membership and used it sporatically... my wife and I have adjusted our eating habits; though we've found that portion control and conscious eating to be a challenge -- still, we made progress.

I've never been one to succumb to the intense fitness routines and extreme diets so many people use to achieve rapid results. I know that if I don't maintain that rigor, if I approach my change as a temporary thing to achieve a short term goal, then after I've achieved that goal I will return to my prior habits with the same long term results.

3sets x 10reps
hammer curls & shoulder press

So I've always taken a "moderate" approach to my exercising. If it isn't something I can maintain for the long term I wasn't going to do it. However, that moderate commitment has had only "moderate" success. It has certainly kept me from becoming "unfit", but it has not allowed me to maintain a lean, strong, healthy body to the level I would prefer (yes, I do set my standards rather high). So, today, inspired by what a friend does as her "usual workout" (and she looks amazing; hi Kari), I realized that if I want to meet my own standards of physical health then I will need to live the lifestyle that will result in it. It isn't a matter of "everything in moderation" (for the 2nd part is "even moderation") but that I don't want to look back on my life and just be a "moderate success" or have done "okay." I want to look back and say, "hell yeah!" I don't want to spend the next 40+ years feeling like I haven't lived a life as well as my parents did. I want to be able to say I lived as well (and even better), in health, in happiness, and in accomplishment as my parents. I believe it would be a travesty if I could not build upon the excellent foundation they laid for my life.

So, today, I have chosen to "up the intensity" of my life. At the gym, in my career, and in my personal life I will "do it better." When I turned 40, I looked at myself and wondered "what have I done with my life?" When I turn 50, I want to look back and say "I've done a hell of a lot!" Yeah, that means I'll be sore physically, ache mentally, and may become exhausted emotionally at times -- but I won't be bored or disappointed!