What kinda sexy do I wanna be?

All self recrimination and attempts to "rise above" my baser impulses aside. If I'm going to be saddled with the 17 year old need to "be damn sexy", that should be defined. Do I want that lean, ripped, adonis belted body of a 20-something skater dude? Uh, no. Do I want to be built like Captain America or Thor from the Avenger's movies? Nope. None of that ever was or ever would be what I'd aspire to be. Don't get me wrong, they're hot as hell and I'd do them in a heart beat (okay, not the 20-something dude... that's creepy). But I have never actually envisioned myself that way.

The kind of attractiveness I am going for is more than the physical beauty of my ideal body. Sure, I want to be strong, lean, and most definitely a force of nature... but that doesn't mean bodybuilder or gym body. I want the body of a man who is physically active, strong, healthy, virile, and REAL. Yeah, you heard me right, REAL! As in looks like he exists outside of the gym and eats something other than protein shakes and creatine supplements.

I want to be that sexy, but not classically perfect, guy who has an aura of strength about him... not just physical strength, but mental, emotional and spiritual strength. I want people to look at me and get the impression that what they see is only the "tip of the iceberg". I want to be one sexy witch! That's right, a sexy man of mystery, not in the James Bond way, but in the Guideon (from Babylon 5) way. I want my body to be an extension of a deeper power and beauty... not a glamour over a shallow shell of a man who thinks only of his image.

Yeah, I don't want much... but if it weren't a challenge, would it really something worth working towards?

Keeping on track is so F*cking HARD!

I've done really well for the first month of 2016. Sure, I had some snack attack moments and lazy days, but I've had more good days than bad, obviously, and the results are showing. Now comes the hard part... that razors edge between fear I'm going to fail (again) and complacency that I'm doing "so good" (giving me permission to cheat). And then there's the problem of the conflict between my intellectual goals and my emotional goals. Yeah, its complicated.

Intellectually I want to return to being physically healthy and fit. A pretty ambiguous goal, so lets quantify it a bit. I want to shift my body composition to under 16% body fat. I want to reduce my excess body mass so that what weight I do carry about is productive, not a hindrance. I want to strengthen my body such that I support my structure and protect myself from injury... and such that I can do most any activity I want to (from hiking a trail to splitting logs with a maul). I want to reduce my waist size so that I can fit back into 36" waist pants, which will make shopping SO MUCH EASIER! I want to improve muscle tone so that when I wear something that "body hints" (not hugs, or is a 2nd skin) that I move with a physicality that leaves no doubt that though I'm not a "fitness model" I can handle myself and life from a place of strength. I want to lower my cholesterol and my blood pressure to my pre-40s levels.

Emotionally, all that is bullshit. I want to be able to peel of my shirt and turn heads. I want people to look at me and think I'm in my early 30s not late 40s. I want to get those second glances, not because I'm the "pretty boy" I was when I was younger (and though I didn't admit it, I was one of the pretty boys) but because I look like a "hunky man". I don't want to be a kid, I want to be one of those mature guys people look to and say "I want to be like him". I want to look in the mirror and feel like a f*cking boss! I want to be able to break some foul-mouthed shit in half, not that I -would-, but just knowing I could and others believing it is awesome (and I used to exist in that reality). Yeah, I want to look in the mirror and confidently say "I'd do me".

That's pretty pathetic. I am 47 years old and I have the same emotional obsession with being the "hot guy" as I had at 17. I keep telling myself that my intellectual goals are realistic, that they are mature and honest, and for the most part they are. But what's driving me? WHY am I trying to make these changes... no one is DRIVEN by intellectual reasons. Even pure academics push into the unknown not from the intellectual rewards, but from some emotional need that is tied to their intellect, the high of being right, the stubborn need to never give up, whatever... in the end it is our EMOTIONS that drive us, not our intellect. Our intellect gives us the means to achieve, but our emotions provide the fuel/power/force to get us there.

Can a 47 year old guy really accomplish something meaningful fueling it with 17 year old emotions? More importantly, SHOULD HE? I have shaken my head at and criticized friends who kept trying to fuel their lives from some adolescent need... being frozen at some younger time in their lives and always trying to "get back to" that point when they thought their were at their peak. How do I mature my desires without losing the fire of youth? I'm not sure yet... but I suppose that's the whole thing about self improvement & self discovery... its a journey, not a destination...

from www.spiritpond.com

One Month Down, 7 to go!

This week was the reverse of last week, I lost weight but my waist and body fat measurements remained constant. I find that they seem to take turns. My January fitness goals were to lose 10 lbs, 2" off waist, and 4% body fat. Didn't quite achieve that... I lost 9 lbs, shaved 1.5" off waist, and reduced 3% body fat.

My inner critic is trying to flog me about the inability to achieve such basic goals... I'd eaten more than I should, snacked too late on occasion, didn't exercise as intensely as I could have, blah blah yack!

However, my better self, the one that acknowledges my flaws but looks at them as opportunities, not failings, is deflecting most of my inner critic's bile. Because, lets face it, it isn't like I'm going to drop 70 lbs of fat, and 14" off my waist in a MONTH... I'm not going to go from chunk to hunk overnight. I'm not going to go from a puffer to a casual runner in a week. What is important is that I've been trying, and that my efforts have been consistent and rational. I haven't starved myself in response to a bad snacking choice, I haven't blown out my knees or back trying to "work off" my indiscretions, and I have been increasing duration and intensity of my workouts as I feel capable.

It wasn't a single bad decision which took me fro, a fit 190lb, 14% body fat 39 year old man to a 260lb, 43% body fat 47 year old man. It took 8 years of consistent, moderately poor choices (and some uncontrollable outside influences) which took me to this state of being. I could have change my course at any time, been more conscious, been more diligent. And dwelling upon "woulda-shoulda-coulda" will only distract from what I should-can-will do now. See the lessons, release the regrets... I already have the weight (baggage) of my physical results, no need to add on emotional and spiritual ones as well.

So, with all that in mind, assuming I can maintain my slow lifestyle changes to a healthier self, I should achieve my overt physical goals of 190lbs body weight at 14% body fat with a 35" waist line by the end of August. A great birthday present for myself!

Still Making Progress

The challenge of losing weight and getting healthy is to be consistent and to not become discouraged if your OVERT progress is not as phenomenal as desired. This week is a perfect example. Due to weather and "life concerns", I only made it to the gym once this week. It was, in fact, one of my better workout days, but was "only once". I am a bit bummed about that, though I intend to do some home yoga to compensate a little.

When I weighed in today I had only lost "1 pound" for the week (7 in 3 weeks). It is my hope to lose 10 lbs a month, and it looks like I'll only hit 8-9 this month. That being said, I don't depend upon my "weight" alone as the deciding factor in my measurement of success. In addition to the 1 lb, I shaved another 1/2" off my waist and what appears to be another a reduction of another 1% body fat. That would put my total since New Years at -7 lbs weight, -1.5 inches waist size, -3% body fat. These results seem fairly reasonable as I've found 5lbs of body fat equals approximately 1" of waist size, and a reduction of 7 lbs from my starting weight is about 2.7% of my body mass, which leads me to think I've lost 8 lbs of fat and put on a pound of muscle.

So, at present, these shifts are not very noticeable, in my appearance or physical health... but I know that slow, little changes have amazing long term effects. I am pushing more weight on the machines and am walking at a higher intensity longer -- all good signs. By May I want to have my mid-year physical and see significant improvement in my cholesterol and blood pressure

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And yes, I still daydream of being able to do sexy cosplay again... before I'm 50!

This year will be better!

So, with all good intentions, I went into 2015 believing I'd start taking control of my health. Sadly, between motorcycle accidents, recovery, stress-comfort-eating, and surgery I've slid further out of the "healthy body" zone than I ever have.

I now have 85 pounds of fat to lose, 14" to remove from my waistline, and 15 pounds of muscle to restore/recover/rebuild before I am back to a "healthy" weight/size/composition. That isn't a goal to look like a fitness model... I wouldn't even have ripped abs... but that'd put me at 190 lbs, 35" waist, 15% body fat. hmmm... what did I look like when those were my stats?

Oh Yeah, that's what I looked like!

I believe I can do this... in fact, I MUST do this... I can't allow my health to deteriorate any further... it isn't an issue of age (though that is a factor on the difficulty and the importance) but an issue of quality of life.

I started today!
I believe I can achieve this goal by September 2016.
So mote it be!

Six weeks of slow recovery

I sit looking out at the swaying pines, the rippling lake waters, and the cloud laced sky and realize that as harsh as the land is, our little getaway in the northern wilds of Maine is something close to paradise. The beauty is not friendly, or is friendly in that challenging way of "if you can handle me, you can find enjoyment in my company." I know winters here are intense and long, and the beauty of the place is not the soft and comfortable kind we find in the mid-Atlantic piedmont, but the stark and edgy beauty here has a kind of zest for life and drive for being which is appealing.

I have not read as much as I'd planned. I have not written as much as I'd planned. I have not created as much physical art as I'd planned. I have not lost the weight I had planned. I have not recovered as much as I planned, though that is due more to having slipped on the stairs and re-injuring an already recuperating shoulder joint -- possibly enough to warrant therapy, hopefully not surgery. Yet, for all of that, I am mostly content with where I am (save the injured shoulder, which vexes me because it was avoidable and of my own making). Very little, in fact, has gone to plan... but in many ways, it is what I needed and as such is perfect.

If it were practicable... if I could find a rewarding vocation up here, turn our 2 season home (1/2 spring, summer, 1/2 fall) into a 4 season home, and enlarge it to make it comfortable for us to live in year around, I would move here without pause or trepidation. I do not fear the isolation, which is not so isolated as it was 50 years ago, nor do I fear the challenges of climate or the need to restructure our lives to flow the seasons instead of  fairly ignoring them in our present residence. It would not be easy, but I find my mind turning to the possibility distractingly often, and I have done 4 floorplans for a revision or rebuild of the cabin to become a year around home. All dreams, idle for the most part, but compelling none the less.

Next week we return to Pawsville, and responsibilities, and duties, and a world of demands and needs and expectations. I do not dread it as my wife does, but I look toward the inevitability with a pang of regret. It would be such an amazing life here... for five decades or so, not simply the 5+ weeks a year we manage now.

I won't be putting my life on hold for the improbability of making it real... I'm done with existing in a life "paused". Time to get things done and live... even if that life is one of a man older, fatter, and not much wiser. I can still make it a remarkable life... if I pay attention.

A physical barrier to progress...

The good news is that my flexibility is returning extremely fast with the practice of daily yoga. For that I am so very grateful... unfortunately, my 7 years of "packing on the pounds" has left me with another obstacle to my goals... a physical obstacle... adipose tissue known as "the gut". My flexibility is to a point that I can stretch, reach, fold further than my excess body tissues can allow. I literally collide with my fat as I reach for my toes or try to do a forward fold.

Still, I must give thanks to my body for recovering and regenerating faster than the doctors thought possible. My family doctor is less surprised and more of the attitude that I am healing the way "everyone should" if people were to take control of their healing instead of expecting to be healed by others (or depending upon medication to do it all). I suppose that's the advantage of having been a personal trainer, a yoga instructor, and a massage therapist in my varied and eccentric past. I am delighted to be able to do warrior poses again, and being able to do modified planks and table and so on.

Ending my relationship with "the gut", or specifically, establishing a healthier relationship with my gut, is not a simple task. It isn't like I can just say "it isn't working out" and abandon the relationship. We are tied together, literally, and have to find a healthy way to exist as one whole entity that loves and honors itself. That means I can't look at my belly with LOATHING and expect to achieve wondrous changes. Hate does not make for healthy self identity. So I have to look at this oversized midsection of mine and realize it is what I made of it... it has served the purpose of protecting and insulating me from the stresses of my chosen lifestyle. I must now find better ways to deal with the challenges in my life so I don't dump all of it on my body.

Yoga is more than asanas... and being healthy is more than a lean body. I've got so much recovery to do... and not just from accident injuries!