Aligning Goals with your true power

The first step in any successful attempt at conscious self-change (hopefully improvement) is the idea of change. This resides in the mind, empowered by the 6th chakra. Most people stop at this point, spending their time thinking about self-change but going no further.

The second step is to communicate that thought to yourself. Yes, that sounds weird, but it is important that we take the idea of change and communicate it effectively to ourselves if we are to succeed in manifesting change. In other words, we empower our desire with the 5th chakra in order to move forward.

We must then embrace change. Emotionally we must accept and empower the self-change. This is all about desire and acceptance and is the province of the 4th chakra.

We must empower change. This is the first time we must do something in the physical world about our self-change. We must find the time, the commitment, the effort, etc. to bring about change. This is where thought and desire is merged with action.

We must then manifest change. This is the hardest yet most natural aspect of self-change. We must CHANGE.

Finally, we must ground our change. We must turn our change from a temporary state to a long term state... we must make the change a part of our foundations.

Only by doing all of this can we bring about self-change... is it any wonder so many of us fail to do so?

What kinda sexy do I wanna be?

All self recrimination and attempts to "rise above" my baser impulses aside. If I'm going to be saddled with the 17 year old need to "be damn sexy", that should be defined. Do I want that lean, ripped, adonis belted body of a 20-something skater dude? Uh, no. Do I want to be built like Captain America or Thor from the Avenger's movies? Nope. None of that ever was or ever would be what I'd aspire to be. Don't get me wrong, they're hot as hell and I'd do them in a heart beat (okay, not the 20-something dude... that's creepy). But I have never actually envisioned myself that way.

The kind of attractiveness I am going for is more than the physical beauty of my ideal body. Sure, I want to be strong, lean, and most definitely a force of nature... but that doesn't mean bodybuilder or gym body. I want the body of a man who is physically active, strong, healthy, virile, and REAL. Yeah, you heard me right, REAL! As in looks like he exists outside of the gym and eats something other than protein shakes and creatine supplements.

I want to be that sexy, but not classically perfect, guy who has an aura of strength about him... not just physical strength, but mental, emotional and spiritual strength. I want people to look at me and get the impression that what they see is only the "tip of the iceberg". I want to be one sexy witch! That's right, a sexy man of mystery, not in the James Bond way, but in the Guideon (from Babylon 5) way. I want my body to be an extension of a deeper power and beauty... not a glamour over a shallow shell of a man who thinks only of his image.

Yeah, I don't want much... but if it weren't a challenge, would it really something worth working towards?

Keeping on track is so F*cking HARD!

I've done really well for the first month of 2016. Sure, I had some snack attack moments and lazy days, but I've had more good days than bad, obviously, and the results are showing. Now comes the hard part... that razors edge between fear I'm going to fail (again) and complacency that I'm doing "so good" (giving me permission to cheat). And then there's the problem of the conflict between my intellectual goals and my emotional goals. Yeah, its complicated.

Intellectually I want to return to being physically healthy and fit. A pretty ambiguous goal, so lets quantify it a bit. I want to shift my body composition to under 16% body fat. I want to reduce my excess body mass so that what weight I do carry about is productive, not a hindrance. I want to strengthen my body such that I support my structure and protect myself from injury... and such that I can do most any activity I want to (from hiking a trail to splitting logs with a maul). I want to reduce my waist size so that I can fit back into 36" waist pants, which will make shopping SO MUCH EASIER! I want to improve muscle tone so that when I wear something that "body hints" (not hugs, or is a 2nd skin) that I move with a physicality that leaves no doubt that though I'm not a "fitness model" I can handle myself and life from a place of strength. I want to lower my cholesterol and my blood pressure to my pre-40s levels.

Emotionally, all that is bullshit. I want to be able to peel of my shirt and turn heads. I want people to look at me and think I'm in my early 30s not late 40s. I want to get those second glances, not because I'm the "pretty boy" I was when I was younger (and though I didn't admit it, I was one of the pretty boys) but because I look like a "hunky man". I don't want to be a kid, I want to be one of those mature guys people look to and say "I want to be like him". I want to look in the mirror and feel like a f*cking boss! I want to be able to break some foul-mouthed shit in half, not that I -would-, but just knowing I could and others believing it is awesome (and I used to exist in that reality). Yeah, I want to look in the mirror and confidently say "I'd do me".

That's pretty pathetic. I am 47 years old and I have the same emotional obsession with being the "hot guy" as I had at 17. I keep telling myself that my intellectual goals are realistic, that they are mature and honest, and for the most part they are. But what's driving me? WHY am I trying to make these changes... no one is DRIVEN by intellectual reasons. Even pure academics push into the unknown not from the intellectual rewards, but from some emotional need that is tied to their intellect, the high of being right, the stubborn need to never give up, whatever... in the end it is our EMOTIONS that drive us, not our intellect. Our intellect gives us the means to achieve, but our emotions provide the fuel/power/force to get us there.

Can a 47 year old guy really accomplish something meaningful fueling it with 17 year old emotions? More importantly, SHOULD HE? I have shaken my head at and criticized friends who kept trying to fuel their lives from some adolescent need... being frozen at some younger time in their lives and always trying to "get back to" that point when they thought their were at their peak. How do I mature my desires without losing the fire of youth? I'm not sure yet... but I suppose that's the whole thing about self improvement & self discovery... its a journey, not a destination...

from www.spiritpond.com

Goals are more than measurements!

Like most everyone, I can obsess with the "numbers". I want to lose X pounds, I want to have a Y waistline, I want to get down to Z body fat. Objective goals are good, they are measurable and give you something both to reach for and something to track your progress by. But in the end, what do those numbers MEAN? Is losing X pounds actually going to make you healthier? Will you be satisfied with a Y waistline? Will you actually like what you see in the mirror at Z body composition? Will the lifestyle you will have to live to reach and maintain these measurements be worth it?

I believe in addition to the objectives of measurements, we need other objectives... accomplishments. These should be something verifiable... something concrete. Walking a mile without hurting knees or aching back. Climb 3 flights of stairs without breathing heavy. Hike a few hours with a daypack of food/water without fear of a knee giving out. Kayak to the store and back on the lake. Be able to do a forward fold and slide your palms under your feet so your toes touch your wrists without bending knees. These are goals which are both verifiable and actually bespeak a quality of life, not only in health but in attitude.

I think it is important to not only set goals of measurement, but goals of activity and lifestyle. Sometimes a goal, especially of activity or lifestyle, involves many more achievements than weight or waist size. That is why one of my goals is to be able to do "one handed peacock" pose by age 50!

One Handed Peacock Pose

Regular physical activity doesn't preclude therapy...

The last two weeks I have been fairly active, but I have not been doing my yoga or concentrated therapy on my shoulder/wrist/thumb. I realize, much to my chagrin, that this is the precise trap so many people fall into who end up having only marginal or limited recoveries. It is great that I am being physically active, doing assorted construction tasks, etc. however, though keeping active is always beneficial to health, it does NOT replace therapy and specific practices like yoga, etc.

I have no desire to be caught in that trap. I wish I'd realized I was falling into it earlier, but better now than later. So I have worked on my shoulder and thumb tonight... tomorrow I'll be doing my first yoga since arriving in Maine. I must also do some rehab from a slip I had on the stairs a few days ago... no, I didn't fall down them, but I did have to grab quickly at railing/support and strained my shoulder in the process. Ah well, two steps forward... one step back is still going forward.

I have not lost the weight I would have liked in the last couple weeks. I know part of the problem was the 2 days of travel, sitting on my ass for 22 hours and having to eat what we could find on the way (aka. shit-fast-food). We have been eating well up here, as we always do, but the portions have been a bit larger than they should (the food is just so GOOOOOD). I haven't backtracked, thank the gods, but I haven't progressed either.

This too shall pass. I have added chaga-tea to my daily regimen. This has already begun helping with my aches, and it has also begun to influence my digestion... I hope all the additional removal of toxins/waste materials will start showing tangible (aka, scale/tape measure) results.

Another challenge to studying my progress is that my beloved Tanita scale has finally lost its little digital mind... we have had to replace it with a more modern, sophisticated scale... and as is typical, they don't read exactly the same. I really am not concerned as to whether the 242 or 243 is correct, I just want to have trackable results... so now I have to wait until my weight on the new scale reduces down to what my weight on the old scale was, then I can start tracking progress again -- such a bore.

I also need to get back to my spiritual practices... that will partly be fulfilled through yoga-meditation, and some by my art, but I need my "sacred space" in which to do ritual... that is, as yet, not available because it is being built into our new room. So much to do to bring fullness back to my life... and during all this, I must remember to take time to LIVE, and be AWARE, and APPRECIATE the process.

A physical barrier to progress...

The good news is that my flexibility is returning extremely fast with the practice of daily yoga. For that I am so very grateful... unfortunately, my 7 years of "packing on the pounds" has left me with another obstacle to my goals... a physical obstacle... adipose tissue known as "the gut". My flexibility is to a point that I can stretch, reach, fold further than my excess body tissues can allow. I literally collide with my fat as I reach for my toes or try to do a forward fold.

Still, I must give thanks to my body for recovering and regenerating faster than the doctors thought possible. My family doctor is less surprised and more of the attitude that I am healing the way "everyone should" if people were to take control of their healing instead of expecting to be healed by others (or depending upon medication to do it all). I suppose that's the advantage of having been a personal trainer, a yoga instructor, and a massage therapist in my varied and eccentric past. I am delighted to be able to do warrior poses again, and being able to do modified planks and table and so on.

Ending my relationship with "the gut", or specifically, establishing a healthier relationship with my gut, is not a simple task. It isn't like I can just say "it isn't working out" and abandon the relationship. We are tied together, literally, and have to find a healthy way to exist as one whole entity that loves and honors itself. That means I can't look at my belly with LOATHING and expect to achieve wondrous changes. Hate does not make for healthy self identity. So I have to look at this oversized midsection of mine and realize it is what I made of it... it has served the purpose of protecting and insulating me from the stresses of my chosen lifestyle. I must now find better ways to deal with the challenges in my life so I don't dump all of it on my body.

Yoga is more than asanas... and being healthy is more than a lean body. I've got so much recovery to do... and not just from accident injuries!

One posture at a time

Warrior 1 on the beach, 2005.

Weight loss is important, but lifestyle and comfort and ability are more important. I have returned to daily yoga... only 15-30 minutes a day, and I can't do inversions or positions which stress the wrists or shoulder, but I am DOING yoga. I want to be able to reach and tie my shoes comfortably and easily. I want to go up and down stairs without hip twinges, ankle aches, or heavy breathing. I want to be able to grab a bottle and twist off the cap without gritting my teeth and struggling.

Reverse Warrior on the beach, 2005.

I want to be able to enjoy the strength, vitality and power of my body again. I look at photos of myself a decade ago, effortlessly doing yoga in the waves. No, I wasn't "model body" but there really wasn't anything to complain about. I was strong, energetic, flexible. Yet I thought of myself as "fat". Amazing the power of thoughts to shape our realities... I thought of myself as fat for so long that I finally matched my body to my mental image of myself.

So now I have to use the same magic that brought me here, to take me where I want to be. I am a valuable, strong, healthy person. I will think that, and be that. I will have to have patience, it took a decade to go from a beach body to a beach-ball body... it will take time and effort, physical, mental and emotional, but I can become the person I really want to be!

Blessings and Escapes

Sometimes it takes a true shock to the system to get you to really rethink your life. A month ago I was in a very SERIOUS motorcycle accident. Compound fractured thumb, dislocated shoulder, torn nose, torn up foot, lots of road rash, and as yet undetermined damage to ITB and thigh still hidden under a huge hematoma. I've never been an invalid before, EVER. Even my 2013 encounter with a light-running SUV was not as damaging as this "simple" laydown of my bike in gravel. Being unable to care-for, do-for myself was a nightmare. The experience left me with nightmares, fits of weeping, and a real intimate understanding of my fears.

I'm now on the mend, the orthopedist is amazed at my rate of recovery... says I'm a month ahead of where he thought I'd be. That's great, but I still have months of rehab, therapy and possible surgeries to return me to "fully functional". It is daunting... discouraging... and I can see why and how constant low level pain, with occasional zaps of acute pain, can leave someone unable to cope and unwilling to push ahead. Pain zaps the very energy you use to fight the pain, making it even harder to accomplish things that were once "no problem" to do... no wonder people get addicted to pain killers.

My mutant-healing factor has kicked in, but my body warns me this is the "last freebie" I'm getting. I've neglected, abused, poisoned, and debilitated my body's health and wellness over the last 6 years. I've been told POINT BLANK by my body that I can either do right by it, attend to its needs nutritionally, physically, and spiritually, or it will fail the next time I put it up against an injury or other extreme challenge. I have come to realize I love my body... I do not love what I've done to it, but I love being able to "do", to be able to meet challenges, and to be able to rest and actually feel "comfortable" in my skin. Right now my body can't do... I've done too much damage... not from the accident, but from the years of neglect.

So, since my accident I've been paying close attention to what my body tells me. I'm doing what I can to heal it, not only from my injuries but from my neglect. Yoga, right eating, time for self healing and time for friends and fun... creativity expressed, and love given and received.

Yep, another reboot...

Not this week, but maybe this year! (with padding)

Inspiration and Attitude

after 7 years 245lbs, 46" waist, 30+% bf

Any of my students or colleagues, and even myself when I look in the mirror, have difficulty believing that I used to model, had less than 11% body fat, amazing abs and beautiful musculature. It is even less conceivable, when looking at me today, that I was a personal trainer and a yoga instructor prior to returning to academia. I was always a "moderate-advocate", that is, that I felt it was better to utilize moderate diet and activity changes to allow for habit building, life-styles, than to use extreme diet and exercise programs for short term, rapid changes that were not sustainable. That worked well for me for years, at least until I found myself with a new lifestyle which combined stress with bad eating and disinclination to put more energy out than I already was. Then, from about 2008 until now (2015) I have sporadically attempted to establish healthier habits, but for the most part just let the world batter me about without direction or foundation for my lifestyle. I have, in 7 years, wrapped myself in an additional 20% body fat (50 lbs), stopped doing any regular exercise for my body or spirit, and have felt more and more like a failure... all while obtaining a Masters and then working towards a PhD (eta. 2016).

From Stefan Pinto's twitter feed

For years I have tried to find visual, lifestyle role models to which I can attach "what success looks like." I always try to make certain I pick people my age or older. One present fitness role model is Stefan Pinto (age 43). His attitude is occasionally abrasive, but his advice is usually rational. One such advice/attitude posters of his claims that if you make choices that are against your stated goals, then you really aren't interested in the goals. A few years ago I would have called this "attitudinal bullshit", but today I'm not quite so sure.

Yes, it is harsh, and unsympathetic to all of us who have not managed to find a way to eat healthily and maintain an active life style, but he really isn't wrong. In the end, when I look at my choices over the last 7 years, I realize most of my choices have been for convenience and comfort (aka, comfort foods, sleeping in, etc.) rather than for to improve myself physically, emotionally, or spiritually. My choices HAVE improved my mind over the last 7 years, or at least I believe they have... it would be tragic if I spent so much time and energy on two degrees and not improve my mind. Yet, for all that mental improvement... I realize I am not as spiritually centered, or as physically fit, as I was prior to 2008. This was not the result of AGE, but the result of focusing my energies almost exclusively on my academic goals and not striving to find balance in my life.

Post Yoga Selfie from 2009

What was I doing? I was doing an "extreme" mental development boot-camp for the last 7 years. Yes, you heard the word "extreme" instead of "moderate". Seven years of graduate and doctoral level learning has made me realize that not everything can be achieved through "moderation". There is nothing "moderate" about striving for a PhD. It is more like going to the gym three times a day, seven days a week, two hours at a pop... one session ashtanga yoga, one session crossfit, and one session spinning. You end up wrung out, aching, and at times feeling sick. That has made my thinking faster, deeper, and broader... more robust and vital... but has left my body burned out, exhausted, and craving caffeine and sugar. Definitely an extreme lifestyle. Seven years is the amount of time it takes for the body to recycle all its cells... you are essentially a new you... and I am not happy with the physical health of the "new me."

I can see that to return to what I consider a healthy level of physical fitness (as I had 2008-2009), I won't be able to be "moderate" in my choices of eating or activity.  I will need to choose at least as extreme a physical/spiritual program as I've spend the last seven years on my academic program. I am "all but dissertation" (ABD) in my Phd program, having proven I have the knowledge to write a diss. I can't let up, but I also can't wait around until that is done to start a new 7 year cycle. I need to begin to create a new me today, not tomorrow, not next week, today. That means really choosing between convenience and aspirations. So, what am I doing?

Last week I started working on my spirit, my creative soul, by beginning daily Zentangles. They are helping me to relax and explore my creativity... a meditation through art.

Today I cooked up chicken breast and have made meal packs... something I used to do (back when I had healthier habits). I plan to do pre-bedtime yoga.

Healthier eating, meditation, creativity, and physical exercise... DAILY... it's going to be a challenge, but if I'm going to become physically comparable to the "me" of 7 years ago, I have to get started. 

To paraphrase Mr. Pinto "If you want a healthy body, but you can't stop picking convenient  and comfortable options over healthy & active options, then you really don't want a healthy body, but convenience and comfort." I want my healthy/fit body... so I better be willing to give up a bit of my comfort and convenience to obtain it!

Gremlins of the Soul: Our Little Self-Destructive Habits

This is the problem with working on yourself... if you're honest, and have the eyes to see below the surface, a lot of unpleasantness becomes visible about week 4. It takes about 28 days to begin to establish new habits. If you're trying to establish healthy, self-affirming, beneficial habits, some time between day 21-28 you will start meeting resistance. Most of us will attribute this resistance to exterior sources like conflicting work schedules, responsibilities to friends or family, finances, or even injuries new or old which thwart us.

Of course, very few of these external pressures are real obstacles. The real obstacles, and far more insidious than anything we encounter outside of ourselves, are the gremlins. My wife calls them her inner demons, or the chorus (think Greek plays), or the dreaded "Editor/Critic". Mine aren't so big and intimidating in and of themselves. I have a tendency to be a dragon-slayer... you put a big, ugly obstacle in front of me (interior or exterior) and I defiantly pick up my sword (usually a stick or other far from impressive item) and charge, yelling, "YOU AREN'T THE BOSS OF ME!" And, surprisingly, that usually works.

No, I no longer have huge inner demons or dragons of despair residing in the shadows. My closet has been open (in all senses of the word) for years and there is nothing hiding in there for others to be horrified by. No, my self-destructive impulses know not to present me with something I can fight... I'm far too clever, both in a positive and negative way, to make it that easy. My little, warped, distorted, and dark reflections of myself are the size of gremlins, and infinitely more vicious. Individually and in packs they descend (or ascend?) upon me, taking small bites and claw slashes before scampering back into the shadows, out of reach. Over time, these little beasties bleed me out inside, tiring me, leaving me feeling weak and on the verge of collapse, emotionally, spiritually, and eventually physically.

They do little things, like insight me to grab just a handful of nuts, or a piece of chocolate, or a refreshing glass of milk late at night... after I've already had all the food I need, or should eat. They slow my progress towards goals until I sit down and just stare ahead instead of continuing to walk because I'm too worn out. And the saddest part of this kind of chronic battle of little disappointments, frustrations, and fears is that SUCCESS doesn't kill them off. You can't take a big boulder of accomplishment and squash the damnable little things under it like you can a bugbear. They just scatter in all directions when the boulder is lobbed their way, and it crashes down with a earth quaking force... that changes nothing.

This week the gremlins are attacking with brutal ferocity. Attacking on professional, intellectual, emotional, and physical levels. Any one of these wounds would be minor... I'd just bandage it up and keep on going... but I can feel that emotional bloodloss, and that always feels like "futility"... see the insidious in that? Not "hopelessness", that'd be too big... something I could defy... no, they always leave me with a sense of "futility"... sure, I can "hope" for more, I can see it is possible to overcome... but will "I" be able to stick it out... and even if I do, will it be worth it? Why bother?

Now, that being said, I should point out that I'm not suicidal, nor am I going to "give up". This is not "defeat", but only an acknowledgement that my life isn't all roses and bunnies (and yes, I love roses and bunnies).

Like water against stone!

First week of "healthier lifestyle" accomplished. 

I refuse to say "survived the first week of the diet" because I'm not doing a "diet" or some "weight loss routine". I am consciously and deliberately striving to change my habits such that I wash away the unwanted and unhealthy from my life. Right now, I'm focusing on habits to restore my body to health, with a little bit of mental/emotional/spiritual restoration as well.

There are two ways to approach holistic health. One is "top down", when you begin by connecting with your spiritual strength and bring that back through your mind and heart to your body for healing and wholeness. The other is "bottom up", where you use your healing of the body to heal your emotions, mind and connect to spirit. Usually, neither approach is absolutely one directional... but is bidirectional. You may focus on body work or spirit work, but as you work on one, if you're truly striving to heal all, you approach the center from both directions.

Just as I overburdened myself with physical, emotional and mental weight a little bit every day for years, so I must clear away the detritus of my poor life choices.

Okay, okay... enough waxing philosophical... on to the "vital statistics"

This week my body weight is down 3 pounds, body composition is down 1% body fat, reduced a half inch off the waist.

Dancing with progress

What many people don't seem to realize when you workout a lot and are striving to build a new lifestyle, new body, etc. is that progress is not linear. It isn't even always continually "upward". I generally consider that it works somewhat in a wave, with peaks of progress and then troughs of back sliding. One could consider it a dance of 3 steps forward, one step back. The backslide should never be as large as the gains, but there are days when you just aren't as strong, tough, enduring, as others.

Some trainers (and the military) would say "work it HARDER" at such times, but I believe in honoring the body's wisdom. Does this mean you don't do anything? Absolutely not! It means, don't push for that heavier weight, faster run, more intense effort -- back off a bit and honor your body, say "I hear you; I am listening. Let's just do this!" In the long run, your body and your health will thank you for it!

Why we climb Mountains!

600lbs on Leg Press Machine

When I began this reboot, my leg press had been at 470lbs. Some people would consider that a great amount of weight; I do not. I know with certainty that 50+ year old grandmothers are quite capable of 600+ pound leg presses (I've watched). At my strongest a couple years ago, I was pushing over 800lbs on the leg press.

I am happy that I have pushed from 470 to 600 pounds within the first month. This has helped me be accepting of the fact that my weight and waistline have not yet diminished significantly. As long as I make progress, I will strive to be satisified.

I consider that in order to be strong, a man should be able to do the following at minimum:

• Bench Press = 1x body weight
• Dumbell Bicep Curl = 1/3 body weight
• Pull Up = 1x body weight
• Row = 1x body weight
• Leg Press = 3x body weight

and I expect a man claiming to be "really strong" to be able to:

• Bench Press = 1.5x body weight
• Dumbell Bicep Curl = 1/2 body weight
• Pull Up = 1.5x body weight
• Row = 1.5x body weight
• Leg Press = 4x body weight

I know that may seem extreme; but I see such displays of strength so regularly in men (boys) whom do not "live in the gym".

I have been asked by several people (all women) WHY I would want to be able to move X amount of weight. My response is: why not? Is there any reason not to achieve such a thing? Once one has enough money to live, why do we want more? If we learn a skill, why do we want to improve our ability in it? I could continue with similar questions that parallel that initial one leveled at me by friends and relations.

Pride is the answer. Pride is not the evil emotion that has become so condemned these days. If we have no pride, in ourselves, in our family, in our friends, in our jobs, in our community, what would the result be? We would not strive to improve anything... we would simply be complacent in our acceptance of what is... we would not even care, I suspect, to even maintain that which we already have. Without pride I believe there is very little fuel to power accomplishment.

I will have PRIDE in myself, in mind, body and spirit. From that pride I will be able to fuel my accomplishments. Take that as egotism if you prefer... I look toward better things!

Goals are like a Compass...

...though I wish they were more like a GPS!

A goal points us in a direction and gives us something to look toward on the journey of life. Without goals, we wander aimlessly and only by chance do we get anywhere (figuratively and otherwise). With a goal in mind, we can strive to accomplish -- we can see ahead, usually far enough to realize we will have to cross rivers or climb mountains or cross deserts. Goals allow us to prepare for obstacles... unfortunately, they don't also convey the best route to travel on the way.

The thing about goals is that there are usually several ways to achieve them. For some, climbing the mountain is no challenge at all, while to others it is an insurmountable obstacle -- yet winding along a treacherous river bank may be quite doable. It is also important to pick goals that are near enough that they can be reached in a finite period of time with a measured amount of effort -- aiming for the stars may result in great achievements, but on the way we have many shorter legs of the journey to complete.

I have chosen my first "goal" on the way to my star of "best health, fitness and appearance I can achieve". I will bust below the 200lbs of weight barrier and tighten below the 38" waist size barrier by Autumn Equinox (Sept 20-22). I will set my next goal once I have achieved this first leg on my journey!