One posture at a time

Warrior 1 on the beach, 2005.

Weight loss is important, but lifestyle and comfort and ability are more important. I have returned to daily yoga... only 15-30 minutes a day, and I can't do inversions or positions which stress the wrists or shoulder, but I am DOING yoga. I want to be able to reach and tie my shoes comfortably and easily. I want to go up and down stairs without hip twinges, ankle aches, or heavy breathing. I want to be able to grab a bottle and twist off the cap without gritting my teeth and struggling.

Reverse Warrior on the beach, 2005.

I want to be able to enjoy the strength, vitality and power of my body again. I look at photos of myself a decade ago, effortlessly doing yoga in the waves. No, I wasn't "model body" but there really wasn't anything to complain about. I was strong, energetic, flexible. Yet I thought of myself as "fat". Amazing the power of thoughts to shape our realities... I thought of myself as fat for so long that I finally matched my body to my mental image of myself.

So now I have to use the same magic that brought me here, to take me where I want to be. I am a valuable, strong, healthy person. I will think that, and be that. I will have to have patience, it took a decade to go from a beach body to a beach-ball body... it will take time and effort, physical, mental and emotional, but I can become the person I really want to be!

Blessings and Escapes

Sometimes it takes a true shock to the system to get you to really rethink your life. A month ago I was in a very SERIOUS motorcycle accident. Compound fractured thumb, dislocated shoulder, torn nose, torn up foot, lots of road rash, and as yet undetermined damage to ITB and thigh still hidden under a huge hematoma. I've never been an invalid before, EVER. Even my 2013 encounter with a light-running SUV was not as damaging as this "simple" laydown of my bike in gravel. Being unable to care-for, do-for myself was a nightmare. The experience left me with nightmares, fits of weeping, and a real intimate understanding of my fears.

I'm now on the mend, the orthopedist is amazed at my rate of recovery... says I'm a month ahead of where he thought I'd be. That's great, but I still have months of rehab, therapy and possible surgeries to return me to "fully functional". It is daunting... discouraging... and I can see why and how constant low level pain, with occasional zaps of acute pain, can leave someone unable to cope and unwilling to push ahead. Pain zaps the very energy you use to fight the pain, making it even harder to accomplish things that were once "no problem" to do... no wonder people get addicted to pain killers.

My mutant-healing factor has kicked in, but my body warns me this is the "last freebie" I'm getting. I've neglected, abused, poisoned, and debilitated my body's health and wellness over the last 6 years. I've been told POINT BLANK by my body that I can either do right by it, attend to its needs nutritionally, physically, and spiritually, or it will fail the next time I put it up against an injury or other extreme challenge. I have come to realize I love my body... I do not love what I've done to it, but I love being able to "do", to be able to meet challenges, and to be able to rest and actually feel "comfortable" in my skin. Right now my body can't do... I've done too much damage... not from the accident, but from the years of neglect.

So, since my accident I've been paying close attention to what my body tells me. I'm doing what I can to heal it, not only from my injuries but from my neglect. Yoga, right eating, time for self healing and time for friends and fun... creativity expressed, and love given and received.

Yep, another reboot...

Not this week, but maybe this year! (with padding)

Inspiration and Attitude

after 7 years 245lbs, 46" waist, 30+% bf

Any of my students or colleagues, and even myself when I look in the mirror, have difficulty believing that I used to model, had less than 11% body fat, amazing abs and beautiful musculature. It is even less conceivable, when looking at me today, that I was a personal trainer and a yoga instructor prior to returning to academia. I was always a "moderate-advocate", that is, that I felt it was better to utilize moderate diet and activity changes to allow for habit building, life-styles, than to use extreme diet and exercise programs for short term, rapid changes that were not sustainable. That worked well for me for years, at least until I found myself with a new lifestyle which combined stress with bad eating and disinclination to put more energy out than I already was. Then, from about 2008 until now (2015) I have sporadically attempted to establish healthier habits, but for the most part just let the world batter me about without direction or foundation for my lifestyle. I have, in 7 years, wrapped myself in an additional 20% body fat (50 lbs), stopped doing any regular exercise for my body or spirit, and have felt more and more like a failure... all while obtaining a Masters and then working towards a PhD (eta. 2016).

From Stefan Pinto's twitter feed

For years I have tried to find visual, lifestyle role models to which I can attach "what success looks like." I always try to make certain I pick people my age or older. One present fitness role model is Stefan Pinto (age 43). His attitude is occasionally abrasive, but his advice is usually rational. One such advice/attitude posters of his claims that if you make choices that are against your stated goals, then you really aren't interested in the goals. A few years ago I would have called this "attitudinal bullshit", but today I'm not quite so sure.

Yes, it is harsh, and unsympathetic to all of us who have not managed to find a way to eat healthily and maintain an active life style, but he really isn't wrong. In the end, when I look at my choices over the last 7 years, I realize most of my choices have been for convenience and comfort (aka, comfort foods, sleeping in, etc.) rather than for to improve myself physically, emotionally, or spiritually. My choices HAVE improved my mind over the last 7 years, or at least I believe they have... it would be tragic if I spent so much time and energy on two degrees and not improve my mind. Yet, for all that mental improvement... I realize I am not as spiritually centered, or as physically fit, as I was prior to 2008. This was not the result of AGE, but the result of focusing my energies almost exclusively on my academic goals and not striving to find balance in my life.

Post Yoga Selfie from 2009

What was I doing? I was doing an "extreme" mental development boot-camp for the last 7 years. Yes, you heard the word "extreme" instead of "moderate". Seven years of graduate and doctoral level learning has made me realize that not everything can be achieved through "moderation". There is nothing "moderate" about striving for a PhD. It is more like going to the gym three times a day, seven days a week, two hours at a pop... one session ashtanga yoga, one session crossfit, and one session spinning. You end up wrung out, aching, and at times feeling sick. That has made my thinking faster, deeper, and broader... more robust and vital... but has left my body burned out, exhausted, and craving caffeine and sugar. Definitely an extreme lifestyle. Seven years is the amount of time it takes for the body to recycle all its cells... you are essentially a new you... and I am not happy with the physical health of the "new me."

I can see that to return to what I consider a healthy level of physical fitness (as I had 2008-2009), I won't be able to be "moderate" in my choices of eating or activity.  I will need to choose at least as extreme a physical/spiritual program as I've spend the last seven years on my academic program. I am "all but dissertation" (ABD) in my Phd program, having proven I have the knowledge to write a diss. I can't let up, but I also can't wait around until that is done to start a new 7 year cycle. I need to begin to create a new me today, not tomorrow, not next week, today. That means really choosing between convenience and aspirations. So, what am I doing?

Last week I started working on my spirit, my creative soul, by beginning daily Zentangles. They are helping me to relax and explore my creativity... a meditation through art.

Today I cooked up chicken breast and have made meal packs... something I used to do (back when I had healthier habits). I plan to do pre-bedtime yoga.

Healthier eating, meditation, creativity, and physical exercise... DAILY... it's going to be a challenge, but if I'm going to become physically comparable to the "me" of 7 years ago, I have to get started. 

To paraphrase Mr. Pinto "If you want a healthy body, but you can't stop picking convenient  and comfortable options over healthy & active options, then you really don't want a healthy body, but convenience and comfort." I want my healthy/fit body... so I better be willing to give up a bit of my comfort and convenience to obtain it!

In the Dark of the Year

In reviewing my stats over the last several years I now see a cyclical pattern in my health and fitness efforts. I have my greatest success and progress during May through August, but then back slide terribly from about October through March. In perfect sync with my school schedule.

I am a stress eater... and my body retains fat as a protective measure during times of stress (a double wammy). Add that during the school semester my eating schedule is inconsistent and I have little to no regular exercise, plus the holidays, and I generally find myself heavier and weaker as the year cycle turns over. Bad state of affairs all about.

So, what to do?

I know what to do, I've known for nearly 20 years what to do and for about 10 of those 20 I actually used that knowledge and did what I needed to stay healthy and fit. The last 10 years have not been so successful... with age adding to the challenges faced when striving to maintain a healthy body weight and muscle mass... and now I'm one of those guys who is all "used to be" and no longer "is" an impressively healthy man who is acknowledged as such (especially by himself).

Oh, the solution is quite simple. Just DO IT... very Nike of me, no? However, the "doing" of it, consistently, even when life is chaotic, work demands are outrageous, and social life is the pits, can be very difficult to manage. Now, my mother would say "all you need to do is decide to do it, and do it." Of course, even with all her incredible determination and will power, she has not manage to maintain the physical size/shape/fitness she desires. Oh, it can be done, but it means not "dieting" or "exercising" but actually "living" the healthy life style... that means putting one's health before other things like "the job" or "the family" or such... not that one neglects those things, but that you can't allow them to be obstacles to living a healthy life.

So the real question is... am I willing to "live the healthy life".

The answer to that is a bit more complex... as it requires facing inner demons and unloading a lot of emotional baggage... we shall see.

Gremlins of the Soul: Our Little Self-Destructive Habits

This is the problem with working on yourself... if you're honest, and have the eyes to see below the surface, a lot of unpleasantness becomes visible about week 4. It takes about 28 days to begin to establish new habits. If you're trying to establish healthy, self-affirming, beneficial habits, some time between day 21-28 you will start meeting resistance. Most of us will attribute this resistance to exterior sources like conflicting work schedules, responsibilities to friends or family, finances, or even injuries new or old which thwart us.

Of course, very few of these external pressures are real obstacles. The real obstacles, and far more insidious than anything we encounter outside of ourselves, are the gremlins. My wife calls them her inner demons, or the chorus (think Greek plays), or the dreaded "Editor/Critic". Mine aren't so big and intimidating in and of themselves. I have a tendency to be a dragon-slayer... you put a big, ugly obstacle in front of me (interior or exterior) and I defiantly pick up my sword (usually a stick or other far from impressive item) and charge, yelling, "YOU AREN'T THE BOSS OF ME!" And, surprisingly, that usually works.

No, I no longer have huge inner demons or dragons of despair residing in the shadows. My closet has been open (in all senses of the word) for years and there is nothing hiding in there for others to be horrified by. No, my self-destructive impulses know not to present me with something I can fight... I'm far too clever, both in a positive and negative way, to make it that easy. My little, warped, distorted, and dark reflections of myself are the size of gremlins, and infinitely more vicious. Individually and in packs they descend (or ascend?) upon me, taking small bites and claw slashes before scampering back into the shadows, out of reach. Over time, these little beasties bleed me out inside, tiring me, leaving me feeling weak and on the verge of collapse, emotionally, spiritually, and eventually physically.

They do little things, like insight me to grab just a handful of nuts, or a piece of chocolate, or a refreshing glass of milk late at night... after I've already had all the food I need, or should eat. They slow my progress towards goals until I sit down and just stare ahead instead of continuing to walk because I'm too worn out. And the saddest part of this kind of chronic battle of little disappointments, frustrations, and fears is that SUCCESS doesn't kill them off. You can't take a big boulder of accomplishment and squash the damnable little things under it like you can a bugbear. They just scatter in all directions when the boulder is lobbed their way, and it crashes down with a earth quaking force... that changes nothing.

This week the gremlins are attacking with brutal ferocity. Attacking on professional, intellectual, emotional, and physical levels. Any one of these wounds would be minor... I'd just bandage it up and keep on going... but I can feel that emotional bloodloss, and that always feels like "futility"... see the insidious in that? Not "hopelessness", that'd be too big... something I could defy... no, they always leave me with a sense of "futility"... sure, I can "hope" for more, I can see it is possible to overcome... but will "I" be able to stick it out... and even if I do, will it be worth it? Why bother?

Now, that being said, I should point out that I'm not suicidal, nor am I going to "give up". This is not "defeat", but only an acknowledgement that my life isn't all roses and bunnies (and yes, I love roses and bunnies).

Like water against stone!

First week of "healthier lifestyle" accomplished. 

I refuse to say "survived the first week of the diet" because I'm not doing a "diet" or some "weight loss routine". I am consciously and deliberately striving to change my habits such that I wash away the unwanted and unhealthy from my life. Right now, I'm focusing on habits to restore my body to health, with a little bit of mental/emotional/spiritual restoration as well.

There are two ways to approach holistic health. One is "top down", when you begin by connecting with your spiritual strength and bring that back through your mind and heart to your body for healing and wholeness. The other is "bottom up", where you use your healing of the body to heal your emotions, mind and connect to spirit. Usually, neither approach is absolutely one directional... but is bidirectional. You may focus on body work or spirit work, but as you work on one, if you're truly striving to heal all, you approach the center from both directions.

Just as I overburdened myself with physical, emotional and mental weight a little bit every day for years, so I must clear away the detritus of my poor life choices.

Okay, okay... enough waxing philosophical... on to the "vital statistics"

This week my body weight is down 3 pounds, body composition is down 1% body fat, reduced a half inch off the waist.

Groundhog Day

I feel like I've been in a continual state of "reboot" since my last entry in July 2011. I try to get a control of my schedule, my activities, my eating... struggle with it for a few weeks, or even a couple months, then it all collapses and I go into a cycle of over eating, no exercise, lots of stress. Sound familiar? Yeah, this isn't a very original story is it?

So, July 1st 2012, I am starting yet AGAIN... with a waistline larger than ever (42.5") and weight even higher (224lbs) than I have had in my life. It is depressing, and more than a bit daunting.

So, what am I doing this time?  I am trying to return to yoga -- embrace it as a lifestyle, not just an exercise program. I'm enjoying the challenge of The Ultimate Yogi Program, and hope that if I can make it a habit, by Fall I won't so easily drop it as soon as my schedule fills up.

Try, Try again :)